You’re right, but I’m not sure you understand the mechanics behind it. You probably think since you don’t look like a gigachad, that you don’t get dates. Women do care about looks sometimes, but not nearly as much as guys tend to fixate on. The quality I hear women trying to find most in a man is decency, followed by personality, shared interests, connection and then yeah, I guess looks.
The trope you’re playing is funny, which is why we keep seeing it in media. A similar trope is seeing a “10/10” girl with a “3/10” guy and saying… “him!?!” Or something about him needing to be rich or something… because women only care about looks. In reality it seems that men think women only care about looks.
So, just keep in mind, if women won’t date you, it has to do with a lot more than your looks. You can take that as a burn, or you can look within yourself, see if you think you have what women want (what I have mentioned) and if so, you’re at the longest and final stage: putting yourself out there.
Edit: just to clarify, I define “decency” with a simple test which is “do I participate in any activities that go against what women are asking have been asking for for decades?” Things like right-wing politics (abortion bans, subservience to men), a livable wage, repect for consent, etc… if the answer is no, you aren’t “decent”. They aren’t asking for power over men, they’re asking not to get raped and to have the bodily autonomy just as men have. They are asking guys not to hypersexualize them from children and try to understand that they aren’t flirting with you at work, they just need to be nice to keep their job, and that they receive a lot of unwanted attention. They’re also asking for guys to take them seriously and a lot of them would want men to know that they don’t bring these topics up because it can create an unsafe situation for them, that it even might have in their past, possibly more than once. We think that we know who men are when we see how they behave around other men. Unfortunately an astoundingly large number of men are abusive to women when other men aren’t around. So yeah, you fail the decency test for politics if those politics harm women.
Your very first step should be therapy/medication. We’re all just randos on the internet and won’t be able to give the same personalized treatment as someone who spent the better part of a decade studying this stuff.
Healthy habits will also help. Just 2 hours of walking total in a week makes a huge difference. You can carve out 20 minutes a day and take one day off a week, or do it all in one go on a nature hike. Cut out alcohol entirely if possible, it’s literally poison and exacerbates mental health issues. Sleep at least 6 hours, cut down on processed junk.
Beyond that I recommend finding local social spaces, like a board game shop, and going there when you feel ready. You could reach out to the owners and see if any special accommodations can be made. The hardest part will be walking in the door - the trick I use is to tell myself I’ll just stick around for 1 hour (30 minutes, 5 minutes, whatever you are able) and then leave if I’m having a bad time.
Aside from that, focus on making friends first and often a relationship will organically grow from there. I won’t pretend that it’s easy, but it’s absolutely possible. You are deserving of love and acceptance just as much as anybody else.
The advice to “just be yourself” is the best advice I can give, but I can elaborate. I should mention that I have severe ADHD, that 70% of ADHDers also have Autism (and that I feel I could be in that 70%), and also have some anxiety disorders too. I am also married and have been in poly relationships in the past. Here’s what I didn’t do:
I didn’t try to “fake it til you make it” with regards to confidence.
I didn’t follow any playbook. A friend of mine got super into the “[pseudo]science of seduction” which just seemed stupid and cringey so I ignored his advice.
I didn’t approach women in person often, and the few times it did it failed. I was akward, I had a stupid opener, she clearly didn’t want to be bothered, so I left (or she left and I didn’t follow).
I didn’t try to chat people up at their job.
What I did do:
thought long and deeply about the places where women would go to meet men. Aside from speed dating and maybe a sex club, I could come up with nothing. Every other place I could think of had issues: market? She’s shopping. At work? She’s working. At ladies night? Maybe but its possible she’s there to party, not to meet guys. School? She’s studying… none of these places were great places to try to meet women.
decided that I needed to try online dating. Tried a few sites and ended up on ok cupid for a bit. You know, the thing about online dating is that women sometimes go to online dating sites to meet men. I met some women, not all of them ones I connected well with. I had some flings. I was honest and ethical about the fact that I was poly and didn’t want to lock anyone into an exclusive arrangement with me.
I got jealous on occasion, but because I didn’t want anyone to “lock me down”, it was only fair that I didnt try to lock anyone else down. I worked on my jealousy. I read “the ethical slut” and started to understand and then feel compersion for my partners when they were off with other lovers.
There was a period in my life where I didn’t know better and would start being shitty when hearing the word no, following it up with “please?” Or “why?”, but i cut that shit off quickly when it became clear that this behavior wasn’t cute nor was it even remotely appreciated.
I worked at jobs and talked with women as people (e.g. I didn’t try to hit on them or be weird around them). Sometimes it was because it was a small company or sometimes a small team. This lead to some great friendships, and parties. A few times at these parties I met women who I later spoke with online and had a sexual relationship later.
One time I was going to go on a date with a woman later in the week, and later on met a married woman at a party. She wanted some attention, we danced, she talked about her shitty husband and said she wanted to fuck me, so we did after everyone went to bed, under a pop-up canopy during a thunderstorm. Great experience, she was happy and I shared that experience with the woman I had planned on going on a date later, thinking that she, who is also poly would find it exciting. She didn’t. She cancelled the date because I helped someone cheat, and that wasn’t very ethical. She was right. I didn’t mind at the time because her husband sounded like a chode and she wanted to cheat anyway, but it wasn’t something I will ever do again. I modified my ethics and behavior after that.
I went to burning man and was overwhelmed by how many extroverts where there, so I hung out near my tent. I happened to be caming near a woman from another state who was also an introvert. We chatted and hung out together, later hooking up and staying in touch before she became a trumper.
Another time at burning man, I hung out near a lot near camp (the burn is nice but there are a lot of extroverts!). I met a friend of a friend, asked her if she wanted to watch the spaceship liftoff (an art installation). Just something to do, not expecting or anticipating anything. I was attracted to her but mostly she was just around camp a lot like I was so we built up a small rapport. We watched the thing, went to a club and she asked if she could go down on me. We went back to my tent and hooked up.
I had driven a woman to burning man and was going to bring her back (rideshare). Long trip and we both wanted to stop at this hotsprings on the way back from the burn. We stopped there both got naked and got in the water. It was dusk, i felt like we had some rapport so I mentioned that I thought she was cute, or something along those lines. She said she didn’t feel the same, and I took no for an answer. We later kept in touch and I think I met someone else at one of her parties, but I can’t remember, it was a while ago.
In other words, I was myself… an akward, shy guy with basically zero game. I’m not the kind of guy who is showered with complients for being sexy, even in bed. I’m balding and have a belly. 5’ 10".
There really are people for everyone. Give up looking, and just be friendly / friends with women. Find clubs or activities that you enjoy and do those, especially if they are with others. You may just find people who are curious about you and want to get to know you more. Its so much eaiser talking with women when you see and treat them as equals.
I guess I should also mention that I am american. And yes the suburbs aren’t great for social interaction, the same goes for cities, though. If you like to drink, you can get some social interaction in a bar, and suburbs have bars, of course cities have more.
But since you mentioned NTs not wanting NDs to be themselves, who cares. Do you really want to be with someone you need to mask around 24/7? What if I told you that I met my wife, married her and then years later we both learn we are autistic. She having been diagnosed, me only speculating because of my ADHD, the comorbidity with Autism and some other clues about me that suggest I might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I never asked anyone who I dated if they were Autistic or not, but thinking back on it there were people who weren’t good fits. One person I can remember broke up with me because I would forget often and she had a nearly photographic memory. My wife and I went to counseling to better understand my ADHD as it seemed to her (reasonably) that I was lying to her.
Moral of the story is you can’t even begin to start finding someone for you until you are your whole, unmasked self. Keep in mind here you still have to be decent. If your stimming is actually inappropriate (e.g. public masturbation) then you will have to keep it legal at a minimum. I hate that I even feel the need to mention that, but I have seen some shit excuses online from people trying to excuse abusive behavior because that person is autistic. These people are usually just trying to be shitty under the guise of having a “a disorder” where they can’t help themselves.
If you have ADHD, my guess is you might have a few hobbies or interests. Do you, maybe in front of others, and just be your ND self. Some people will hate it and others will want to know more about you. People tend to gravite towards people who are “confident” which in this context I mean are confident doing their own thing, despite what anyone else mighr expect. You owe the world nothing.
I get you. Sorry for the serious reply, it wasn’t meant for you so much as it was meant for other people who unironically feel the same way as you joked.
Absolutely. I’ve been working really hard to improve my health both mentally and physically. I’m down 75 lbs. I’m trying to be the best version of myself.
Women won’t date me because I’m ugly :(
You’re right, but I’m not sure you understand the mechanics behind it. You probably think since you don’t look like a gigachad, that you don’t get dates. Women do care about looks sometimes, but not nearly as much as guys tend to fixate on. The quality I hear women trying to find most in a man is decency, followed by personality, shared interests, connection and then yeah, I guess looks.
The trope you’re playing is funny, which is why we keep seeing it in media. A similar trope is seeing a “10/10” girl with a “3/10” guy and saying… “him!?!” Or something about him needing to be rich or something… because women only care about looks. In reality it seems that men think women only care about looks.
So, just keep in mind, if women won’t date you, it has to do with a lot more than your looks. You can take that as a burn, or you can look within yourself, see if you think you have what women want (what I have mentioned) and if so, you’re at the longest and final stage: putting yourself out there.
Edit: just to clarify, I define “decency” with a simple test which is “do I participate in any activities that go against what women are asking have been asking for for decades?” Things like right-wing politics (abortion bans, subservience to men), a livable wage, repect for consent, etc… if the answer is no, you aren’t “decent”. They aren’t asking for power over men, they’re asking not to get raped and to have the bodily autonomy just as men have. They are asking guys not to hypersexualize them from children and try to understand that they aren’t flirting with you at work, they just need to be nice to keep their job, and that they receive a lot of unwanted attention. They’re also asking for guys to take them seriously and a lot of them would want men to know that they don’t bring these topics up because it can create an unsafe situation for them, that it even might have in their past, possibly more than once. We think that we know who men are when we see how they behave around other men. Unfortunately an astoundingly large number of men are abusive to women when other men aren’t around. So yeah, you fail the decency test for politics if those politics harm women.
deleted by creator
Your very first step should be therapy/medication. We’re all just randos on the internet and won’t be able to give the same personalized treatment as someone who spent the better part of a decade studying this stuff.
Healthy habits will also help. Just 2 hours of walking total in a week makes a huge difference. You can carve out 20 minutes a day and take one day off a week, or do it all in one go on a nature hike. Cut out alcohol entirely if possible, it’s literally poison and exacerbates mental health issues. Sleep at least 6 hours, cut down on processed junk.
Beyond that I recommend finding local social spaces, like a board game shop, and going there when you feel ready. You could reach out to the owners and see if any special accommodations can be made. The hardest part will be walking in the door - the trick I use is to tell myself I’ll just stick around for 1 hour (30 minutes, 5 minutes, whatever you are able) and then leave if I’m having a bad time.
Aside from that, focus on making friends first and often a relationship will organically grow from there. I won’t pretend that it’s easy, but it’s absolutely possible. You are deserving of love and acceptance just as much as anybody else.
Oops I mean your friend lol.
deleted by creator
The advice to “just be yourself” is the best advice I can give, but I can elaborate. I should mention that I have severe ADHD, that 70% of ADHDers also have Autism (and that I feel I could be in that 70%), and also have some anxiety disorders too. I am also married and have been in poly relationships in the past. Here’s what I didn’t do:
What I did do:
In other words, I was myself… an akward, shy guy with basically zero game. I’m not the kind of guy who is showered with complients for being sexy, even in bed. I’m balding and have a belly. 5’ 10".
There really are people for everyone. Give up looking, and just be friendly / friends with women. Find clubs or activities that you enjoy and do those, especially if they are with others. You may just find people who are curious about you and want to get to know you more. Its so much eaiser talking with women when you see and treat them as equals.
Best of luck to you!
deleted by creator
I guess I should also mention that I am american. And yes the suburbs aren’t great for social interaction, the same goes for cities, though. If you like to drink, you can get some social interaction in a bar, and suburbs have bars, of course cities have more.
But since you mentioned NTs not wanting NDs to be themselves, who cares. Do you really want to be with someone you need to mask around 24/7? What if I told you that I met my wife, married her and then years later we both learn we are autistic. She having been diagnosed, me only speculating because of my ADHD, the comorbidity with Autism and some other clues about me that suggest I might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I never asked anyone who I dated if they were Autistic or not, but thinking back on it there were people who weren’t good fits. One person I can remember broke up with me because I would forget often and she had a nearly photographic memory. My wife and I went to counseling to better understand my ADHD as it seemed to her (reasonably) that I was lying to her.
Moral of the story is you can’t even begin to start finding someone for you until you are your whole, unmasked self. Keep in mind here you still have to be decent. If your stimming is actually inappropriate (e.g. public masturbation) then you will have to keep it legal at a minimum. I hate that I even feel the need to mention that, but I have seen some shit excuses online from people trying to excuse abusive behavior because that person is autistic. These people are usually just trying to be shitty under the guise of having a “a disorder” where they can’t help themselves.
If you have ADHD, my guess is you might have a few hobbies or interests. Do you, maybe in front of others, and just be your ND self. Some people will hate it and others will want to know more about you. People tend to gravite towards people who are “confident” which in this context I mean are confident doing their own thing, despite what anyone else mighr expect. You owe the world nothing.
I have ADHD, Adderall has changed my life. Treating your mental health with medication and therapy is critical.
I was just trying to make a joke. I promise I’m not actually an incel.
I get you. Sorry for the serious reply, it wasn’t meant for you so much as it was meant for other people who unironically feel the same way as you joked.
women won’t date me cause I’m ugly and married :\
This one can be a bit of a barrier.
It doesn’t have to be. Non-monogamy is a thing…
Oh, it’s absolutely a thing. It can still be a barrier, though. Some folks are monogamous for whatever reason.
Yup, nothing against monogamous people
Same here, it’s just not a lifestyle I could get into personally. More power to those who can though!
They already have the power mate. Society largely holds a bias towards their way of life.
You’re not wrong.
Are you in therapy, the gym, the sun, etc?
Not judging. It’s fucking hard.
You don’t need to be buff or tan to get girls, but you do need to be healthy and confident.
Absolutely. I’ve been working really hard to improve my health both mentally and physically. I’m down 75 lbs. I’m trying to be the best version of myself.
75lbs?
Edit; OH I thought you said “down TO 75lbs” my bad